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Ya know...I guess they say you go through phases of hurt and anger...but as I applied my warpaint for the day...I realize...I am beautiful...I am educated, I am fit, I am a soldier serving my country (for 16 year now)...therefore; his loss.

Somewhere between the Aquafresh and Oil of O'lay...I had this small burst of confidence...lol

Not sure if it was the fresh breathe or the beautifully moisturized skin, but hey I'll take it either way. So, I will be "on the prowl" as my friend Angie would say. There is someone out there who can bring something to the table...



Good morning world.

I woke up...now what? I really don't want to get out of the bed...ever...but I know that I have to....My eyes are gone....my pillow is salty...and I have to go to work...with a long commute to think about....now what?

I am still here....why? I ask myself....



He is gone....but, I still remain...nothing has changed....just a few clicks of the mouse and I am still here....



Bye Bye Blacksheep....welcome back darkness, yes....I am still here.

He is "in a relationship?"......I haven't even finished my coffee yet. Can already see this is going to be a great day.



I have been really sick the last day....dizzy spells, clammy and gnawing back this morning...I have so much that needs to be done, but I just want to rest....I don't know anymore...and "in a relationship" is just icing on my poptart this morning...I give up! BBBS

after the tears pass, the real flood begins....thanks k for hanging in there with me....sorry it was so late, but didn't know wherelse to go...you are always there....even at 1am.

They say I can go home. I will believe it when I see it in writing. I have been through this before only to be devasted by the end result of nothingness. I should feel elated, but I still have this feeling that this is all a mistake. Perhaps I realize the dream of a place of solitude and safety, where a warrior would stand fast and love and protect me from those who continue to destroy me and help rebuild that which I had lost, is no longer reality. I am on my own...afraid of what lies ahaid...unsure about my future...but destined to face it nonetheless....I must keep moving forward. I collapsed under the stress tonight and found myself lying on the floor unaware of how long I had been there...I was alone....but, for the cat who woke me demanding his nightly feed...my body is weak and I was unable to run today...I am exhausted again.

..and now I see that I can't even find comfort from my words....they are watching and judging. It's my life, sadness is what I smother in...it is my venue of choice.



I don't have the luxury of living the "wild life" and dating and running around town and to the beach with my buddies...



I am a mother of a 4 year old child, who is the sole reason of my continued existence.



I am a soldier with a mission somewhat incomprehensible to most. No, I am not on the streets of Iraq, I am in the WAR right her in our country. No, I don't wear a combat patch on my sleeve, I wear mine over my heart with its burning flame reminding me that without me and my kind, there would be none on the streets of Iraq defending our freedom! and I bleed for that badge everyday!



I am a wife of a man who doesn't love me, but finds joy in bringing about pain that one from the outside can't even imagine...and which I don't even have the courage or desire to speak of. One who has sucked every bit of self-esteem that dwelled inside of her. You don't know everything...why? because you never took down the walls.



So, if I choose to make the conscious decision to live or die each day then that is my perogative not yours. I wanted more from "My Warrior", but he doesn't understand what it takes to get inside...he lives in a perfectly jaded world of fun and games...not in the world of hate and shame that I live amongst....



He hasn't been beaten, raped, or abused...he doesn't know me, he just thought he did. We are not the same....we were dealt much different hands...



You go ahead and have fun and hold your head high and love life....



I on the other hand will continue to fight and try to find strength to recover alone...and struggle to get out of the bed each morning for fear that more pain lurks around each hour... I was foolish to think anyone could help, especially one who's idea of happiness is a bar with some half dressed women on the back of a bike..while guzzling down a beer...

I must have been just a bit too caught up into the moment....I thought...but I was mistaken...it wasn't what was meant....I am so confused...I just want the fairy tale, but can't seem to get past the "Once upon a Time"....where is my prince charming...hell, at this point I'd just take the fucking frog! I hate this emptiness...I need something, someone....I am lonely and sad...I am scared I will die alone and nobody would even notice...except maybe the Homeowner's association when my grass grew higher than my front porch. I carry the pain of others in the news with me all day and wish myself in their place...I wished it were me that washed away in the flood on Thursday and was found floating in 18 inches of water in Olmos Basin. It's not fair that good people are taken from loved ones...I am a bad person and I should be the one called to Hell. I heard the darkangel whispering my name...calling me back to the box...it's contents to evil to even think upon. I can't believe I was so vulnerable to seemingly think that someone could love me in that way...I am poisoned...toxic more or less...where is that fucking frog?

I feel so drained tonight....I worked a bit in the house today....not as much as I should have, but things are in order nonetheless....



This weekend went by so fast...I enjoyed the company of one so far away...I am in constant fear for his safety, but I believe in his purpose and that is enough to hold on to....and I find happiness in the thoughts of fulfilling the promise of years ago...



He came for dinner tonight....was just a reminder of what I don't miss. I have to move soon.



Others are distant...rarely leaving a trace of their existence except when it's convenient...so typical.



I received email from the Million Dollar man, I replied as expected and then nothing....I can't imagine how that could ever develop into anything...I am a soldier he is the Million Dollar Man.



I was happy to hear from D this week... He was a little drunk I suspect, but nice to hear his voice just the same. I would so love to go fishing with him sometime.



Nothing from the Blacksheep...must have been content with his biker babes...not even a hello.



and then the one, I will never be able to please...he pushes so hard and and doesn't even know it...I can't give him what he desires...I am not what he expects...I won't make promises I know that will be broken...so, it's best just to let it be...he will always cross the line between friends and fantasy.



But, with my mind so busy thinking about "What would make me happy?", I didn't have time to think about what makes me sad.....the jewels, lonliness, death...and the usual thoughts of evilness.



So, as I stand at these crossroads...to travel into my future, I hesitate to ponder the pursuit of happiness.

Don't lead me....



I don't want to be played like a toy...



They all want to promise me the world....but I know it's all bullshit...and nobody really loves me...they are all afraid of losing time....just like the fear I find within myself....



I won't be bought and I won't be pleased by conditions....



I would rather be alone....it's in my nature...I don't think I will ever be happy again.

I didn't get the job in SC. I didn't look the part. I am too fat. Can't hire someone with brains...only with looks. I hate my body, I hate myself inside and out. Today I wanted to die. I actually wished that some accident would happen and then nobody would worry about finding me another place to go. I really want to die. I think my days here at Vampire Rave are going to end as well. I have lost joy in most anything. It was this site that gave me something to do each day...something to look forward to. Those few that helped me along seem to have gone on to 'bigger and better" things and I really don't get any messages anymore....my PM expires in 72 hours...what to do? What to do? I don't know what to do or where to go from here....I am so lost...and the tears are burning my face. I didn't get the job.

He knew I was taking the princess to see Underdog tommorrow night, because I invited him. Instead he takes her tonight and calls me afterwards. I hate him!

Sometimes I think it may be better being alone. I detest socialization at the moment...maybe I am a hermit coming out of the closet....or would that be going into the closet...hmmmmmm